So, here I am…once more in Asia. This time with a whole group of people. Susana organized this trip under the name “reencontro de eu” (Reencounter myself). 3 women and her mother joined in (plus me!).
Well, I did not make this trip due to the title but rather because it gives me the chance to spend some time with Susana outside of the normal life and have the chance to make a trip together.
The first 2 nights we stayed in Amed, in the northeast of the island. Here in Bali one of my dreams came through…seeing rice plantations.
I’m fascinated by the green and design of the terraces. This was withheld from me in Thailand due to the dry season but here they harvest rice 3 times a year.
The second day we hiked up the vulcano Batu to see the sunrise. I had to laugh in a way (and while on it). Because again I am on a mountain with hundreds of people and it is a slow pilgrimage up the hill. Once on the top, the sunrise was not as strong this day. Still, I enjoyed being up there.
After that we went to Ubud in a really nice resort and retreat (Om Ham). There I had my breakdown. I had just spent an amazing week with my friend Rob in Portugal and was on a high vibe and thought this is going to continue into this trip. But fucking far from it! Due to reasons unknown to me, my happiness went downhill up to this point.
I know that I am far away from the bliss I felt the last weeks in Thailand. While I am not 100% sure why, I blame it on the resurfacing of my panic attacks regarding my fear of death. As more frequent they occured as more I moved away from spirituality or believing in anything (and into fear). Plus, it continues laying a grey veil unto the potential of life.
I can see how good this trip does to the rest of the group. The first days consisted of cleansing and healing
Each one of them blossomed more and more with each day. And I also can see the potential in Susana, how her energy rises up in Bali (ups…I think I haven’t mentioned the country so far) and how the positive feedback she receives from the group make her inner light shine more. I can see that she is on the right path and grows during this trip in an amazing speed and will continue doing so.
But where am I? I am lost. I couldn’t feel a thing during the healing and cleansing and thought all of this is a big bullshit. I remember on Tuesday to have thought “Fuck all this, I’m done with spirituality”. And I am sorry, but I cannot pray to some Hindu God. I hardly can to the one I was raised up to so to repeat some mantras seems foreign to me.
Also, my biggest friend in Thailand, love, is far away. I cannot feel it. Not its depth that revealed itself after the monastery. Maybe I am emotionally not available. Or whatever! It’s replaced by anger.
So, what am I doing now? I try to see this trip as positive as I can, enjoy the country’s beauty and see it more as a vacation trip than a spiritual journey. And so far this is working, with the big help of Susana…listening to my crap, accepting me the way I am and just holding me. The rice fields still amaze me and how the people are not killing each other with this traffic is beyond me 😉
Today is a good day and that is all that matters!
Love,
Matthias