On Friday I decided to extend my stay here for another 2 weeks. This means that I will miss my return flight on the 7th of April, which I cannot change. Also, I have to change my plans on a bikepacking trip with my brother, which made the decision more difficult.
It’s far from perfect here but in general it does me very good and I feel much better than when I arrived. I struggle with the meditation and spiritually-wise it is not the place I am looking for. For the meditation I think it is a valid first step. Also the food could be better. It is good but not really diverse. Tons of rice and repetition. The (psychological) supervision by the master and/or instructors for our change process is sadly not existent.
BUT, I love the exchange with the other students. I have the feeling we have a good vibe going and I can learn from them. I mean, everybody here has a story, some are already ahead on the path and some are at the same point. Also, there is one fellow countrywoman from Bavaria. I can speak dialect (bavarian) with her and I really enjoy that on top of having great conversations with her and getting along very well. It makes life more enjoyable to have a companion to spend time with.
I think it was two weeks ago (probably after the last post) when I stopped blaming myself for what happened last year with Elena and how the relationship went. I asked myself the question “Does holding on to this thought does me any good?”. The answer was no. So, I literally dropped the thought. I am still sad sometimes about it but nevertheless I feel so much better.
I think I got a great deal of learning out of this relationship (and even more the breakup), which life will put me to the test at some point:
– Don’t hold another person back, for whatever reasons (e.g. fear of losing) once I see that a common way isn’t possible. Especially if I love that person.
– My heart has been opened up again and I want to spend my life with somebody. Obviously in a loving and caring relationship. (Let’s see what is going to happen with that!)
– My essence is love and I want to express that.
– Love is all there is (includes self-love).
– Sometimes the love is not enough to bridge extreme differences.
– I want to work on my spirituality and looking for answers to the big question (Is there a soul? Wo am I? Why am I here? Where do I go? )
– What is important in a partner for me.
– I am blessed with the friends I have and it does me good to meet/talk regularly. Also, it stops the thinking carousel.
– Live in the Now (use the past to learn, don’t worry about the future)
– Trust (life)
– Stay positive
It’s still quite fragile a some points are still work in process but they seem to be like a muscle. They strengthen with training.
Actually, I wanted to talk about the town we live close-by…Pai. But this blog is already quite long and I’ll postpone it to the next one.
A “THANK YOU” from the bottom of my heart to all of you for sticking around with me during those hard times. I treasure the advices you gave/give me. I plan on being an insanely happy person (again) and to give some of the compassion back to you.
Love,
Matthias