The boy is back in town

So, I’m back in Germany. Well, for the second time but that’s another story 😉

Let’s recapture the last days in Thailand. I went from Koh Samet to Koh Mak around 2 weeks ago. It’s not fair to share the pictures but I have to as the island is so amazing 😀

The water is really shallow and freaking warm. Combine that with palm trees and beautiful sunsets and you get a glimpse of paradise.

Relax, this was the best sunset on that island 😉 No other was like that. It reminded me of Koh Samet, although, this time, I couldn’t share it.

I stayed in a wooden hut in a hotel called “happy days” and I tried to make this my mantra.

Overall, I wasn’t able to continuously hold on to the bliss I felt previously. But I got glimpses from time to time. I’m sure being on an island helps 😀

On Labor Day I left the island. But not without an incredible experience. I was walking alongside the beach with my backpacks as suddenly the guy from my midday restaurant came out to greet me and he gave me a huge hug, wishing me the best (and his wife was waving from behind the counter). I didn’t expect that at all! What incredible people! I cherish those encounters. They cost no money but are an expression of love and really make me feel like a human being…connected. I don’t know what I did to deserve it but I suck it all in.

However, while riding the bus and as closer we got to Bangkok as more down my vibe went. I only stayed one night in Bangkok and it was more than enough for me. I’m no fan of big cities. I was glad to embark the plane one week ago and get out of there.

On the 3rd I landed in Munich just to turn on my heels and get on the next flight. After all, it had 9 degrees and was raining 😯 But that was not the reason. My trip got an encore and the band gave everything. It was a concert remembered for eternity. 😀

Where did I go to? Off to Portugal, to another country I don’t speak the language 😉 The area (Algarve) is really beautiful. And I love the sea!

I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. Where to find a spot for mountain biking, sea and most importantly like-minded people around?

I spent nearly one week with Susana and her family and friends. I cannot recapture everything here and I don’t even want to. I have felt welcomed so much by her friends and their children that it was overwhelming at times.
After all, is there a better thing than an 8-year-old girl screaming your name while running towards you for a hug? 😀
I know you know me by now and know that I am nervous about meeting new people or groups. But it was worth it jumping beyond my comfort zone. I must do something right just being myself.

You are ready for another strange story? Ready or not, here it goes. On Saturday I joined a meditation with 4 moms and their children (why guys are not doing that kind of stuff?). Of course, I didn’t understand much but I felt love towards everybody and was happy just being able to join. The meditation didn’t reveal anything specific for me though. But at some point, it was my turn to hit the drum and while I was doing that the woman leading the meditation saw me as a warrior in many previous lives. She thinks due to that I want connections so much now. Puff, I don’t know what I should think about this. If I believe in past lives (which I kind of do) then I would say it makes sense. After all, I despise war.
Anyway, this was the drawing that I did during the meditation:

Susana is an incredible person. Not only is she a single mom raising 2 boys, which is challenging by itself, but it’s amazing how she finds the time and energy to do all the things beyond that. I don’t think I still have understood all she does:

• She still runs part of a laboratory she founded (but partly sold)
• She founded hora das Mães (translates to mother’s time), where she blogs about presence and awareness but also has a weekly radio program (my first time in a radio studio…how cool being able to make those new experiences!)
• Every week she gives 2 Qigong classes (while just made the instructor’s course last year). I attended one and it was impressive how professional she was doing it!
• She teaches kids in school about presence and awareness, for example how to deal with disappointments (something that is missing in the normal curriculum)
• She is a doula (aka birth coach) providing physical and emotional support but also more information than a hospital does
• Every day she sends out inspiring quotes on Instagram

I’m sure I’m missing some things she does 😀 She still thinks it is not enough and I’m standing there in awe knowing that it’s a lot already. And that in comparison (which we should not do) I’m doing nothing hahaha
As a good friend of mine said to me, this is also what applies to Susana (Rob, I’m going to steel it from you 😉 ): “There is a light shining inside her. And the fact that she doesn’t see it makes it shine even brighter.” Maybe we all need a mirror (from time to time) to reflect our light on it in order to realize it.

While on Koh Mak I had the feeling that we should create something together. I don’t know if it’s going to be Susana’s dream of an eco-village or something else. The eco-village would be cool in the sense that it would mean living in a community of like-minded people, something I feel could be right for me. Anyway, it will come up when the time is right.

So, since 9th of May I am back in Germany. I don’t add “finally” because I have no idea for how long 😉
This was the most expensive “vacation” I have ever done with spending over 5,500 EUR. But, it was worth every cent of it. It improved my mental state significantly. And money has lost its importance for me anyway after going through the last 12 months. As Rob always says: “It’s just numbers”.

This trip gave me a final push to a better state of mind. However, I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wouldn’t have had the friends/family around that helped me to get through the difficult times (an understatement…dead people are more alive than I was 😉 ) from December until March. I went through my journal entries of those months and was able not to linger in the same low feeling anymore.
I feel gratitude for my support group (I think they know who I mean). And that includes the ones on the spirit side (yes, you read correctly 😉 ).
It sounds like I’m believing firmly in a life after death. Unfortunately, I am not yet. Otherwise the fear of death wouldn’t have come up again 😀

Within the last days I read an interesting blog post.
It basically says that you don’t have to justify your existence or prove your worth. Not to your parents or your family; not to your friends, your boss, or society. Not even to yourself…especially to yourself.
Because you are worth personified. You matter. Right here, right now.
And as long as you enjoy walking your path, no matter how aimlessly it seems, your life has meaning.
I think this whole enlightenment thing is not about reaching some better state in the future, because that would indicate the Now is not perfect, but to realize you have to do nothing, just enjoy life and don’t get attached whatever it throws at you.
Most of my time now, I don’t feel pressure anymore to fulfill/do/proof anything. I mean, I lost (or gave up) everything that people normally pursue: Career, family, relationship and a very special person. In the common sense I am a failure. But I am OK with that. I don’t need to run after something anymore. To proof what? That my life has worth? Without it doesn’t? Bullshit. I’m enjoying the day as it goes without worrying (too much) what I should do with my life. Just live it…and enjoy the journey.
The graveyards are full with people that had ambitions. But are they full with people that enjoyed their existence?

Of course, I have bad days (or sometimes I feel it’s just not that bliss) and this feeling of being a fake comes up. Maybe this whole thing I am acting out is only that, another role I am playing. Honestly, I don’t know. I guess I will find out.

These upcoming days I will have to face the ghosts of the past. On Tuesday it will be one year that my lovely sister Marianne died…

It’s still unbelievable that I cannot talk to her anymore, that I cannot listen to her anymore. That her smile is all but a memory in my heart. She pushed me into another path in my life and I wouldn’t be where I am now without that fucking sad experience. I would give up everything in a second to have her back. And I really hope there is an afterlife…just to hug her one more time.

She was another incredible person in my life journey and she still inspires me. The way she lived. She had a lot of work but she would always make time if anybody needed something or just to have a coffee together. When I go to a coffee shop now, I remember our vacations together when I was complaining that we had to go the 3rd time for a coffee. Oh lord would I wish I could have one now with her.
She always told me “Don’t worry about money Matthias. There is always new one coming in”. So, here I am now, not worrying about money anymore…
Or when people were complaining or stressed about work the typical thing she would say was “It’s only work”. How true!
I’m still far away to live up to the example she led. And I am not saying she was perfect. Nobody is. But she was for me. But I hope to get better each day.
Maybe Nora McInerny in this TED talk sums it up the best way: “We don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it.”

I don’t know what comes next. So, you can ask me the typical question “What are you going to do (next)?” but don’t be surprised if my response will be “I have no fucking idea…but it’s OK.”. We both will see what it will be 😉

Thanks for being with me on this journey.

Love,
Matthias