A warning upfront. Don’t expect any useful insights. After all, I am an amateur. I use you guys as part of my therapy and as witnesses to my life. And as we all know I have still a long way to go to learn about love and trust it fully. So, here I go…
I continued my way up along the Atlantic coast and into Spain. I like the rough Atlantic even that I have troubles right now to enjoy the way.
I was lucky enough to meet a friend along the way and the first hug felt amazing. My seclusive life in an RV makes it harder to go through this time without friends physically at my side. I guess my system needs this in order to go through this separation fully and without any distraction. It is also proof for the love I feel and hopefully the sign I needed in order to work on my inner issues. Maybe it is also to see my strength. However, it is not easy and it pushes me very close to the border of my limits.
In my darkest moment last Thursday, very calm I thought through how it would be if I end this life now and take another chance in another life (I have to add that I now believe a bit more that there is life after physical death). Close your mouth 😉 I wouldn’t be able to do it. I wouldn’t be able to hurt the people I love. I know, very dark place…
I don’t want pity from anybody. I am the creator of my life (experience). I’ve created Susana into my life and I’ve created her out of it. For a couple of days I tried to manifest another chance into my life. But then I realized that this would mean that she is not happy and maybe regretting her decision. The love I feel for her wants her to be happy, even if that is not with me. So, trying to manifest her into my life again is not fair/what I want. It is strange to me because yes, I feel jealous, sad and even angry sometimes but it always comes back to what I stated earlier. Maybe that is true love. I don’t know, I don’t recall such a feeling before. So, now, when I catch myself with thoughts or daydreaming about another chance with Susana I say out “delete, delete, delete”. I am not sure how many of you are familiar with the law of attraction and manifestation. I am certainly no expert in it. But in essence it says that our thoughts become things. As I said, it worked for me and now I try to be more conscious for me and the people I love.
I am sad and bottomlessly disappointed in myself. I have again failed to trust in love, despite what I have promised myself the last time. I feel I have failed a soul assignment. Yes, the characteristics of our relationship (foreign country, language etc.) were not easy but to have somebody at your side who loves you unconditional is something I should have worked harder for. I should have realized that I have inner issues that block me and worked on myself. And even now with all this struggle, I don’t trust myself that I would be able to pull it off. A part of me is glad that I don’t have to proof that I can work through my fears and have this relationship. It’s too late for this time anyway but I hope such a love will find me again and then I want to be ready.
For this I have to work on my issues:
- The fear of not being enough. That I have to proof my worth constantly. Not only in the things I do (e.g. worldtrip) but maybe also the feeling that I am not worthy of love…and thus destroy it.
- Seeking outward approval for my relationships (or life in general?)
- The fear of not belonging. Certainly, being in a foreign country invokes this feeling. But there have been times when I actively searched this out. I felt special to be the foreigner but the last experience in Spain made me very insecure. It is OK to be the foreigner as long as I have a functioning social network behind. But then again, I also feel not belonging to the circle of my youth friends and my family.
- The fear of not making it or not being able to persevere it. Could I really have pulled it off in Portugal?
- Not trusting myself fully (and also not the partner). Maybe also not trusting my strength.
- Give up the constant search for something else.
- How to open myself fully to love.
And I assume there are other fears even behind those
In the end, I am a fool when it comes to love 🙁
Love,
Matthias