Is that it?

I think I’m at the end of my trip. The highlights of the show are behind me (and stored inside me). Anything that follows now is encore. So maybe it’s time for a reflection.

The beginning seems a long time ago…like from another life. When I arrived I had no energy. I remember keeping to myself and walk to my room at night exhausted. I didn’t talk much back then. One fellow student said to her mom back then: “And there is Matthias. He is very quiet”. I was still crying frequently and adding suffering to my pain.
That changed. I don’t know if it was due to having the epiphany “Does holding on to this thought do me any good?” (It’s an easy question but very powerful). Or having a deep, fantastic conversation with Natália at Om Garden. Or having Kathrin here as company (the word does the feeling no justice). It doesn’t matter, I became more outgoing and my smile came back!
Then my difficulties in the monastery that lead to an incredible experience. And coming back from there to a life better than ever.
And now I just left the island Koh Samet after spending an incredible day there with Susana. A few weeks/months ago I wouldn’t have believed to feel so happy, actually totally blissful, again as I felt watching the sunset together.

One has to go through pain in order to rise.

I met so many incredible women here. And I’m so grateful for that. You are amazing (not sure if you know that!)!
I could feel attachment coming up from my side since I miss having a romantic relationship in my life. But I’m not sure if this would be the right time. I’m sure that I want to approach the next girlfriend without attachment but from a deep level of love, affection and sharing.
We had a great vibe in our retreat. It makes me wonder if I might not rather live in a community of like-minded people. I would be surrounded by people and not feel lonely while at the same time I could be alone when I want to. Probably we are meant to live like that and have lost it with the industrialization…
It also made me realize that I get along with many people. But not all 😉 The rest I let continue living their life. I want to cultivate more being non-judgemental (after all, we all have been there already).

Every time I feel lonely, human interactions get me out of this. I know I need time by myself but this trip, as much as the previous months, make me realize that I am a human being that takes pleasure out of human interaction. It can be as much as a smile or as less as the deepest talk possible. Both nurture my soul and make me feel connected.

I have to learn not to make my well-being dependent on external factors. Even if those are the nicest people possible. Life showed me that they can be taken away any moment.
Our true power for (lasting) happiness lies within. Nevertheless, I believe this happiness is to be shared. With those incredible human beings I was talking about 😀
You can feel a connection and comfort without having met prior. Be open…enjoy!

The many times I had to say goodbye to incredible human beings I just spent a fraction of time together (not enough!) is teaching me to let go (and trust that we’ll meet again if it’s meant to be). I still don’t like goodbyes and I feel sadness. However, the level of sadness is an indicator of the great times spent together. Rather focus on them.

I am in awe sometimes (rather most of times) what people see in me. I should have more self-confidence given my experiences but this is a work in progress (as the rest of this human being).

I continue working on my spiritual path. Even if it means that people think I’m crazy or that I lose people along the way. But it’s something that gives me joy and a different, higher vibration.
I got inspiration in those few weeks that takes years to learn. I want to dive into topics like meditation, Qigong, healing Chi, Yoga, Reiki, awakening etc.
I have to see more the signs and synchronicities in my life and trust that what is meant to be is meant to be.
So, stay with me guys. I think it’s worth it! 🙂
There are gurus all over the planet. They are called fellow human beings. Go out and ask what they really believe in, what made them who they are.
I love free spirits. Some (or even they themselves) call them crazy. They are wonderful, I enjoy the deep talks, the joy they share and make me loosen my rigid self a bit. I need to loosen up more.

I have to trust more in my intuition. It can mean sitting besides a stranger watching the sunset together or changing your travel plans or a kind deed at the right time. It lead me to exceptional experiences and people. So stop thinking about it upfront what to expect or be too shy doing things I might later regret not to have done. I don’t need to understand why I choose one way over the other. Just follow my intuition (or a flip of a coin) and enjoy the time, feel it, stay present.

Regret, it’s draining energy and it’s suggesting there is something like a wrong choice. But it’s an anker to the past while I should be in the Now. Treasure the good times, I wouldn’t experience them if I wouldn’t have made some “wrong” choices along the way. And don’t get caught up in a future that might or might not come.

Love is really all there is. It can be found everywhere. We “just” need to get out of our mind. Love, an expression on so many levels. I felt so much love towards and from people, it’s incredible. I want to express it on all levels and I know that I miss the romantic side of it. I really believe there is “no us and them”. It’s an illusion. If you let life rule it’s even more obvious. What this crisis taught me is to love more and on more levels.

I want to give something back to the world, my community. Something meaningful. But I don’t know yet what it is. This not knowing makes me uneasy. But I’m getting better in not-knowing.
I keep my doors open and trust that signs appear. After all, one of my mantras is FaP (Faith and Patience).

That is a lot to live up to and I don’t know if I can hold the vibe, especially once I am back in Germany. It’s already more difficult since I’m alone (aka without company). But what this trip thought me is to be more aware of my feelings and thoughts and not to attach to them. The latter is work in progress 😉

If I die tomorrow, will I feel that I have done everything I should have? No, but I have a better conscience that I’m on the right path (and as everybody, I hope there are many more days for me living this amazing experience).
This is my life. Nobody else will live it for me, nobody else can and I will make the decisions best for me. Not what others think or approve of (even my critical self). After all, there are no limits in life. I don’t need to follow somebody else’s limits. Whenever they were created. Life begins at the end of the comfort zone. Is it scary? Yes! Is it worth it? Hell yeah!
At the end of my days I want to sing along with Frank Sinatra “I did it my way”.

Pai/Thailand will always have a special place in my heart. I’m so grateful of the people I met, the experiences we shared and feel so much love for them. Thank you! We are here to connect. We are in this together.

Love,
Matthias

PS: And to answer the title question. No, this is not it. This is the beginning of the next chapter in an amazing journey. Plus, I have the hope they play some of my favorite songs in the encore 😉