Goodbye known…hello Unknown!

My stuff is packed (feeling I am living out of a suitcase since 2 years anyway) and my flight leaves this afternoon to…Victoria Falls.

But first a few (ha! Understatement) words about the last weeks. Going backwards, last week I spent several days in a retreat in CZ (Shangri-la). The topic was “Art of Dying” and as you know I have panic attacks when I realize that I have to die, which usually happens when I am in bed before falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night.
During this workshop I came to the insight that this might be because I am in a state of denial about it and that I am not living my life fully.
I won’t go into details about the process since that would take away the healing effect for anyone who wants to do that as well. But I can say that, besides many other incredible experiences and insights, it changed my way of how I think about following questions:

– How do I want to die?
I realized that the wish “dying while asleep” is not what I want anymore. I want to know some time before that I am going to die. I want to have the possibility to say goodbye to the people I love and close maybe some issues that are still open in this life.
I want the people I love around me. And I really want a person at my side at those final hours that supports me, shows me love, touches me, holds my hand…
I hope that I have made my peace with death by then and that I leave this world without pain and peacefully.
I would like to die either in my house (difficult right now…but not planning to go yet 😉 ) or in nature (a forest maybe), while listening to music or just the nature.

– How should the funeral be?
I want to be cremated. Ideally I will be buried beneath a tree in a quiet forest (no crematorium close by as in Hohenburg). However, I don’t mind to be thrown into the sea or toilet either. In the end it’s just a body.
Play the song “Nearer my God to thee“. That should be the only sad song. The rest should be gospel and African happy music. It should be a celebration of my life and not a tear competition. I would like each of my friends to tell a story of our life together. Hopefully some crazy and funny thing we did together.
I don’t want a catholic funeral (I guess that is clear by now already 😉 ). I would like to have a spiritual person conducting the ceremony (no idea how that should look like yet). And I certainly don’t want much money spent on coffins or alike. I rather have money spent on a joyful celebration and life.

– What will people say about me?
That is really unclear to me as it also plays against my insecurity and making myself small.
I hope that the people I love know that I love them.
I guess people will say that I lived an unusual life. I guess the ones from my hometown won’t understand my life and why I excluded my brother from the funeral. I assume that Heribert will be happy that I am gone.
I hope they will say that I was a nice guy and a friend that they could count on. I guess they will say that it looked from the outside like I was running from something, trying to find love and happiness and not often succeeding hahaha That I hurt people along the way.
I hope they will find my example encouraging that work is not as important. That I loved Mountainbiking. That they saw me struggling but also saw that I was fighting to live.

I have the feeling not everything is answered yet for those questions and there will be things added as I go along with life. But I try to come back to this and set my life in priorities. After all, I didn’t had a positive look at my life when going through it. However, I think that was also triggered by my denial and other emotions (fear, anger).
There is a lot I can (and am) grateful for in my life. I have amazing friends all over the world, I have such a strong support group that got me through the roughest times, I have the freedom to pursue my dream(s), I have a lot of money to finance that lifestyle, I had jobs that I could pour my heart in and gave me some really good money in return, I receive wonderful feedback from groups (like last week), I was able to grow up on a farm, I have (and had) the possibility to share love, compassion and caressing, I was raised to be independent, I have the possibility to show up at friends and family and have a place to stay, I am able to travel a lot, I lived in the US, Ethiopia, Basque Country…
And most importantly, I experience(d) love.

I can only recommend you a reflection session like that. You don’t want to leave too many things open when you die…and we all die eventually. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Do I have less fear now? I don’t think so, also because I was in constant denial. But I am proud of myself having faced that fear and I found my peace with this denial. If I die in denial then let it be so.

But now to Africa! It is a strange feeling that accompanies me those last weeks. I do not realize that I am leaving for a longer trip. I do not feel prepared. I have other feelings though…fear. I know courage is not the lack of fear but to overcome it. I know this trip is pushing me and at times I cannot tell you why I am really doing it. I don’t expect that I will be happier than in my normal life…after all I am taking myself with me hahaha
A part of it is that I want to put this dream into reality finally and test if that really was what I was looking for. I want to travel without a certain return date and for a long time, which also enables to face myself in a different context. I hope it will bring me some insights about where and how I want to live the next year(s). But over all, I want to experience joy and reconnect with the feeling I had during my time in Ethiopia.
And another thought I have to this is that this trip is reflecting my life…for good and for bad. I have no real objective/purpose/goal/plan but I will experience Africa step by step. I want to enjoy every step but I am wary because I don’t know where I am going to (and what lies ahead of me). May I have the confidence in Africa and also in life.

The only thing that is fixed so far is that I will spend the first 4 weeks with Susana going around Namibia in a rented 4×4. I am very grateful for her coming along. After that nothing is and the big adventure (and fear) starts. My idea is to continue on to Botswana and Mozambique and then make my way up north. Goal is to reach Addis and visit Shewa there. But this doesn’t have to be the end necessarily. Nor that I will reach it. I might as well say “fuck that” after 2, 3 months. Who knows? In the end it will be an experience.

I would like to travel with somebody I know and care for. However, it seems this trip (at least the majority) I have to do on my own. Nevertheless, if there is one that would like to join for some part of the trip then please just write me. I would love to have you along! 🙂

Love,
Matthias