Bud dho…or how to meditate

On Sunday I arrived at the monastery Wat Pa Tam Wua after a nice 2 hour bus ride up north through nice forestal scenery.

I arrived right in time for the food offering. So, I was thrown head first into the daily schedule. How does a day of a student on his way to enlightenment look like?

5:00 am Morning chanting in your kutti

Your supposed to start the day with a meditation on your own in your hut (kutti) or dorm room. Honestly, I hardly have seen anybody follow that except for some overachievers 😉 Personally, I got up around 5:15am and did Qigong and Shuang Yang, although in a bit of a hurry. But I’m proud that I haven’t missed a day yet since I started at the other retreat. Later in the day it was just too fucking hot to do it.

6:30 am Rice offering to the monks

Everybody grabs a plate with some rice and sits down in a circle around the main hall, waiting for the monks to arrive.

Once they come, each carrying a vessel to receive the (food) offering, everybody will offer a part of their rice to the corresponding monk. The last monk will take the rest…no wonder he has strong bones 😉

As usual, men come first in the order. In that sense Buddhism is no different then any other religion where the women are not treated equal to men. For example, the first rows in the main hall are reserved for men. I think the Abbott lives in an illusion when saying Buddhism treats everybody the same.

Anyway, after the rice offering the Abbott goes around saying a few words (which are quite repetitive: “Be happy and enjoy Thai food. No big party, no barbecue”). I found that very nice, since at the Kung Fu Retreat the master never did this and also this guy smiles a lot. But I think it is important to show your guests some respect (especially if they pay more than 80$ per day as at the retreat).

A few of the students will take the rest of the food (vegetables, fruits etc.) for the monks and bring it to a separate house where the monks eat.

7:00 am Breakfast

Food is divided between men and women. I have not seen any difference. It’s just that there are two tables and different lines for each gender. Breakfast is not that rich. It consists a lot of rice and some vegetables, if there are any left (depending on what position you are in line). Also, there are fruits (e.g. water melon or jack fruit). I cannot say that I enjoy Thai food a lot so far. Either I have not eaten any real one yet or it is just not to my liking. But, the food is based on donations and there is much reason to be grateful for.

Depending on your speed you will have more or less time afterwards. In general, you should do everything mindful.

8:00 am Practice meditation-vipassana

It starts out with a few words of the abbot. Well, it can take up to 15 minutes.

Then we did walking meditation around the garden in the monastery. As usual, everything is done mindful. You lift the right leg and once you start putting your heel down you breath in and say “Bud”. Then you lift your left leg and when putting down your heel you breath out and say “dho”. Depending on the speed of the group the combination with the breathing worked for me. Otherwise, I had to alternate with the breathing.

The round takes about 50 minutes.

Afterwards, we all sat down in the main hall for meditation.

First you start sitting cross-legged for about 40 to 50 minutes and concentrate e.g. on your breathing (in/out) or abdomen (rising/falling) or any other object you(r mind) like(s). I usually started by concentrating on my breath and the abdomen (or whole body).

When you concentrate on an object it is called Samatha because you try to avoid any thoughts. However, the goal in the monastery is Vipassana. It means that you let the thoughts (or emotions/feelings etc.) arise and try to observe them without attaching yourself to them (or the story). If you succeed in that you got the “Knower”. I don’t know if I got that one yet. But sometimes it worked that I catch the thought. I will tell you about one experience below.

Afterwards, we changed to laying meditation for another 15 to 20 minutes. You should continue with the same and observe your body. Frankly, most of the times I fell asleep 😉

We finished with some chanting, which was a wish for peace and happiness for the rest of the world. I quite liked that one.

Then we had some short time to drink a coffee, tea or hot chocolate 🙂

10:30 am Offering food to the monks

The bell rung and we gathered in the main hall again. After some words of the Abbott we sat opposite the monks and offered them the different plates when they came along. It’s not so easy to see the food go by when you are hungry 😉 The best is to laugh about this!

Some thank you chanting and off to the next point.

11:00 am Lunch

Lunch is practiced in the same way as breakfast, except that there is more variety. One day we even had ice cream! It makes you grateful when you have no power over what to eat. It reminded me a bit on my childhood.

1:00 pm Practice meditation-vipassana

A monk is teaching on different topics regarding Vipassana meditation. While I was there the topic was “How to get the knower”. It’s hard to explain in a short post (although this won’t be a short post ;-)). I guess everybody knows the general meditation, which has the goal to calm the mind. As explained above, this is called Samatha. It’s great to let go of the stress, especially in our modern (western) society.

But in order to reach enlightenment you have to dig deeper. I explained above the concept already. He said it is not easy but also not utterly difficult. The monk meditated for 2 months 6 to 7 hours every day and got the Knower. Easy, or? Others apparently spent a week here and got it. Again others might not succeed at all in this lifetime. Next shot, next reincarnation 😉

Personally, I found this teaching the best and most helpful of the whole day. But it lasted only about 30 minutes.

Afterwards, we did another round of walking meditation. This time into the forest. The heat made it quite unbearable. It’s though walking 40 to 50 minutes at 40 degrees Celsius.

This was followed by another 40 minutes of meditation. First we scanned (feeling-wise) the body from top to bottom and reverse, then we concentrated on an object (by now you know this is called Samatha). After 20 minutes we went a step further into Vipassana (or at least we tried). This was rounded up by laying meditation and some chanting.

This gave us around an hour free time until the next topic.

4:00 pm Cleaning the monastery area (be mindful while cleaning)

Well, not much explanation required. Your supposed to swip and clean whatever area of the monastery you feel needs it. While doing it you should be mindful, meaning if you see your mind wandering catch/observe it. Honestly, I did this only 2 times…lazy fucker 😉

5:00 pm Relax time – have coffee/tea

A small snack is also provided. Most of the time we had fruits.

6:00 pm Evening chanting and meditation

I guess this is the most mystical topic as it sounds good when 100 people chant first in Pali, then Thai and finally in English. For me it was the most boring one. I’m sorry, I’m just not the guy saying Buddha is the greatest (the enlightened one), bow before the Sangra (order) etc. I’m just not into religion and have a hard time bow in front of a statue/god/man. Or as Riddick says: “I bow to no man”.

Also, why need several religions such a strange story around the birth of their leader? So, in this case Buddha was another virgin birth (this time conceived by a white elephant) and this guy could walk and speak immediately after birth. Really? Isn’t it enough that they had great ideas?

Anyway, after an hour of that we had another round of meditation, first sitting, then laying. We finished a few minutes before 8 pm.

8:00 pm Practice meditation-vipassana on your own in your kutti

Yeah right, like I haven’t had done enough already 😉 For me, the 6 hours of group meditation per day (2 hours walking, 3 hours sitting/laying, 1 hour chanting) were really enough. After all, Buddha taught the middle way 😉

10:00 pm Sleep

To be honest, usually I was so tired that I slept before that…if I could fall asleep. The bed was not really comfortable and combined with the heat sometimes a killer. But, I had a single room and that is something I treasured.

I wouldn’t be able to live by such a strict schedule all day. And frankly, my knees and legs were killing me from the meditation. I think the monks have a better life than many…but you gotta like that kind of life. I chose otherwise. However, I’m grateful for the experience!

So, how did it go for me? The first days I felt big resentment towards everything and I was judging people constantly. Anger arose as the meditations didn’t came up with the desired results. Also, the ghosts from the past hound me again. Meaning, Elena, Marianne and everything around that came up. I put myself under pressure that I had to reach something now because I’m running out of time with view on my desired future. In the mornings I was envious at the people leaving. The peak was reached with a huge meltdown by Tuesday lunchtime. I wanted to call somebody and cried (later I read a phrase in the chanting book: “When you laugh, the world will laugh with you. When you cry, you will cry alone”).

Funny enough, after that it improved significantly and by evening the same day I felt good. The apparent reasons were a small interaction with another human being, leaving the silent meditation badge behind and a more relaxed meditation in the evening.

Silent meditation? For the first few days I was running around with a badge stating “Silent (happy and mindful)”. On one side, that removed the pressure of having to interact with (get to know) anyone and instilled a feeling of freedom. But on the other side, this was too much isolation. Tuesday evening I read in the chanting book that this idea is foreign to Buddhism and a western thing. I was happier after I gave it up. I didn’t talk that much more afterwards but still.I realized that Thomas from the Kung Fu Retreat did a very good job instructing us on meditation. I wouldn’t have been able to attend here otherwise. I mean, I had no real prior experience before the Kung Fu Retreat.

I didn’t miss the internet much. But I would be lying saying that I didn’t think about it. It was Thursday that I got online for the first time again and it was good to feel connected with my friends.

Let me tell about an experience (I call it my high point) I had during the midday meditation on Wednesday. It’s difficult to bring it into words so here’s an excerpt from my diary:
“I was super relaxed during lunch. I ate very slow and looked into the distance with less thoughts.
After the monk explained how to get to the Knower, we did a walking meditation first. I could walk relatively in my speed and thus arrived at a meditative state. Thoughts came but went again.

During the meditation I practiced Samatha first, meaning, I concentrated on an object (breath) without letting thoughts arise. That worked quite well. Later, thoughts arose but every time this happened I realized it quite fast. Suddenly all thoughts disappeared and I saw a bright light behind my eye lids. I had something similar before at the Kung Fu Retreat. It felt like total bliss and relaxation. I had the feeling to sit a bit back within my body. I felt the breathing a bit farther away, like it doesn’t really belong to me. Also, when I touched my body it felt more distant. It was just awesome.
Changing to the laying meditation I didn’t wanted to open my eyes. The feeling stayed a bit but thoughts came up again and I followed some.

Afterards I was still without any real thought or rather my mind was still. A great experience.”

I have no idea if this was now the Knower (i.e. Vipassana) or Samatha. It doesn’t really matter in the end to me. I described the experience to the monk on Thursday and he meant that this was the mind returning to the body. Not really believing that but no idea either.

I know! This sounds like a crazy story…but you’re used to that from me already 😉

I feel like the time at the monastery came to an end and I left today. I guess I’m through with my points for now, the heat is killing me and also not sufficient sleep. I feel a bit of a failure not staying longer, especially since I met a guy that stayed 7 weeks there. But that isn’t me. However, I can imagine doing it again.

Funny enough, today 3 Germans where kicked out for missing evening chanting yesterday. I guess they didn’t see me 😉

It felt like home arriving again in Pai after hitchhiking the way back. I was especially happy to see Natália and chat with her on a deeper level. After all, I’m a social being.

So, what’s my plan from here on out? I don’t really have a clue. I will stay another night in Pai and then go to Chiang Mai. I feel like I need some relaxed time…preferably at a beach 🙂 I don’t know yet where I will go and when I will be flying back to Germany. If I can consider Germany “back” at all. The question of my homebase is still unanswered.

Love,

Matthias