I continued my travel north and came across beautiful places until I reached KM0 of the N2 on the 6th.
Somehow I did not want to leave Portugal and made my way east alongside the border. Sometimes I had the feeling I am hoping something Corona-related would happen and I “have to” stay. But the beat goes on… (fearing I could miss something this summer)
Once I crossed the border I put some distance behind me going on interstates (well, and also the normal roads were better than the N2). That was also because I found the Burgos region flat and boring…and brutally hot.
I had a goal in mind. Spending my birthday in Hondarribia with a friend. The morning the same day I went to a bike ride. Once more I was reminded of the basque country’s beauty. It’s like the alpes but with a sea close by.
BTW, if you every happen to be close to Getaria you should drop into the restaurant Mayflower. The food is extraordinary.
What started with “I am going to stay 2 nights in Hondarribia” is going to end with nearly 2 weeks (I will leave on Thursday) roaming around the mountains in this beautiful place. I did several mountainbike rides and mostly enjoyed them as I found good technical downhills.
However, I had also my downsides. The weekend after my birthday the trouble started. On the outside things on my car broke, like the water tap, a nail in the tyre and water leaking in from the ceiling…all in one weekend.
But it cannot really explain the anger and rage I felt inside. I was throwing around things (mostly my cell phone) and just raging about my life. How bad everything is and that nothing works…whatever I start (including this trip that doesn’t make me happy). And that I made a mistake not going to Portugal during lock down based on fear. Etc. etc.
Several very close friends tried to give me a hand in dealing with this but I felt I have to do it on my own in order to get it out of my system once and for all. However, this proofed not to be the right path.
What helped me was an Akasha Records reading I did with a medium. That was already the 2nd time after one in February. This one was more powerful. Akasha Records are supposed to be the library of all the lives you ever lived and can show you pattern in your life/lives that you have to overcome. In my opinion, it really doesn’t matter if you believe in reincarnation or spirituality. If by the end of the session you feel good about it and it was helpful is all the importance.
Immediately, the first picture was right to the point. She showed me a guard dog biting at everybody but what it really wants is love and be held. And that was true for how I was handling this anger business. I was biting at everybody to stay away but really deep down I would have wanted somebody there with me that holds me and says “everything is going to be alright Matthias”.
I also asked about my life’s purpose and I got a very interesting response. I am looking on the outside for answers but my purpose is inside. It is finding a balance between freedom and security, individuality and community, traveling and settling down. This is it! This is why nothing satisfies me. I have either one or the other but I need both. And it made me realize what terrible errors I made this year and in the past. On the outside I had my reasons but now I see that on the inside I was acting on fear, while I should have had love in mind.
The thing is, I am not settling down because I fear that again it doesn’t work out. I mean, the basque country did not work out and I lost my roots in Bavaria in 2018 (sorry, still not recovered from it). And I am just afraid that it will happen again and thus not giving it a full chance. I catch myself saying “But what will I DO there?”. Yes, I have no answer to that. But for that it doesn’t matter if the place would be Portugal or Bavaria or Timbuktu.
And the third thing (beyond anger and life purpose) are my choices between love and fear. For example, instead of taking the chance of spending time in Portugal with Susana in order to really find out if we can make it on a daily routine I chickened out and chose fear. Regret is what I have now but the past cannot be changed.
After that reading I felt good for half a week but since a couple of days I am quite down. The reason for this I do not want to share here. I hope whatever path is ahead of me, that it will be OK. And that I have learned my lesson.
As for you out there, do better than me, choose love.
Love,
Matthias