Last blog post ended on my way to Hondarribia. I obviously made it and met with a dear friend. It truly felt great to be able to talk with her face to face about my life and feel I am not alone. I am blessed with great friends. The only thing that hurts a bit is that, through the life I was living, I have friends spread all over the world. It’s beautiful in the way that I am never without friends wherever I go. But I would like to have them all close at my new home (wherever that will be). But I wouldn’t want to change a thing about my past. I met wonderful friends with completely different backgrounds. A true gift from life
Spontaneously, I decided not to go back to Germany the way I feel I drove a thousand times already but to go alongside the Pyrenees on the French side. I wanted to explore, which is a good sign. A sign that I take interest (again) in what surrounds me. Especially the green is nurture for my eyes. I am a fan of green forests and normally I can charge my energy there. Maybe I was a tree troll in some other life 😉
One highlight was a bike ride I did already in the Catalán area. By some insane confidence I thought I can make a tour that involves a climb of 1.500 altitude meters. Needless to say that I was exhausted on top. But not only my legs…also my head due to constantly thinking over the last relationship.
So with a “enjoy your downhill” from a fellow hiker I made my way down. While the beginning was quite blocked the second part was a delight. I remember arriving at the RV with a huge smile on my face. Priceless!
Since then I have spent many days and nights at or close to the beach. I made it a habit to get out before sunrise and do my morning routine at the beach. Followed by a jump into the ocean. I cannot logically explain it but I feel better when I come out of the water than when I went in. Like it has a cleansing effect on my soul.
I also wanted to stay close to the ocean since I don’t know when I will see it again. After all, I love the ocean.
I’m between Marseille and Nice right now and I think my days in France come to an end. But what do I know? 😉
Somehow I feel a hesitance going to Germany. I move very slowly these last days. On the foreground I would tell you it is because of the weather and cold/rain there. But the truth is somewhere behind that. It’s a fear of “what will I do there?”. Once I stop running I will have to face that question. And the answer is still in the making. After all, I have to (or rather want to) build up a life from scratch and I am scared. But how, where and with whom is still in definition phase. Maybe it’s like a friend of mine once said. It’s like having a perfect white canvas in front of you and you want to put the first brush of paint on it. Will it be a good one? Am I doing justice to the canvas?
And there is also shame. Shame of coming back “home” empty-handed. Of not having done the things I set out to do. Plus having failed in yet another relationship. Like a conqueror coming home without a treasure and a broken ship.
How am I doing? The answer depends strongly at what time you ask me that question these days. I’m having times where I feel good/content and then a few hours later in the day I fall again in the pit (especially when I feel regret). It’s a process that takes time.
What helps is that I am moving into acceptance regarding the separation. Accepting that we didn’t had a future. No matter how beautiful a Now is. Hoping on some magical solution is no solution. I also try to maintain the viewpoint that it is the best for the both of us. And that we both deserve an “easier” relationship, where the outside characteristics make it easier to find a common path.
I miss the love though…tremendously. It was such a strong spotlight that illuminated me and now I am in the dark. I haven’t found that light (aka love) in me yet. I feel lonely most of the time. It’s also due to the traveling I am doing. I realize that I don’t want to do things alone anymore. I will always need time on my own, that’s just my nature, but consistently, like now, is not my way.
And I miss her as a person. I miss her wisdom and unique view on life. But the contact is too hurtful right now…unfortunately. 🙁
But I hope that after some time we can maintain something like a friendship. I know that this is difficult with ex-partners but I would like to keep the connection also in this life.
I have learned that love is always there. We might separate on the surface (on the personality level) but the love shared will always connect us on a deeper level (soul). It might be too hurtful to stay in a relationship or even in contact for the human being. But the soul knows that the love will not die. After all, we are love…
(the text below from Carolin might explain it a bit better. There’s also a German version.)
When I look from the meta position of my soul then I can deal with the situation better and see it as a learning and definition of what I/we really want. Then I can understand our coming together as a wish to learn from each other. No relationship is a mistake. We learn from every encounter and define more and more what we want…who we are!
So, I am in the process of defining how my future life should look like (or rather feel like) and then manifest it. Will it work out? I have no idea. At times I am quite hopeful though 🙂
Love,
Matthias
The root system of love grows deep hidden inside you.
The root system of love is sustainable beyond this life.
The root system of love remains without prejudice, even if on the surface the dying has started.
(What do these words mean?)
You know my child, it is so that from your human point of view you mostly assess the situation of your relationships by what is visible on deeds and words; Or from the lack of it.
We invite you to lower the look under the surface of what is visible. As with the far branched root system in your forest. As with the root system of plants with far reaching extensions. As with the root system of mushrooms in the forest floor.
There in the depths of your hearts and souls you are exactly that: connected. In love. Eternally. May the forms and shapes on the surface be as they may be.
This concerns separations of parents and partners and it concerns separations from their own children as well as the separations by dying and withering of the body in this life.
In the deepest depths the connection of the souls remains. And it is always a LOVING one. Because you come from love and you return to love.
On the surface of your life you have to decide in which closeness and in what quality you live and form your relationship. On the visible level of action, the body and the emotions, there may have been assaults and hurts that make it necessary to move on and continue life separately. Also as an experience possibility for the soul on its way through this life. This applies to work relations as well as for friendships, partnerships and also for the relationship between parents and children.
The pain that you have caused each other may seem immeasurably big. And yet it follows a great goal: to make experiences of love and un-love. Because only in this difference/contrast you will be aware of the love. And only through this difference/contrast you begin to seek and receive the greater love, which is always available to you.
We love you and you and you. Since always and eternally.
And exactly in this way you are connected with each other in love. In the depths and heights of your eternal souls.
Das Wurzelwerk der Liebe wächst tief in euch verborgen.
Das Wurzelwerk der Liebe ist tragfähig über dieses Leben hinaus.
Das Wurzelwerk der Liebe bleibt unbeschadet, auch wenn an der Oberfläche ein Sterben begonnen hat.
(Was bedeuten diese Worte?)
Weißt du, mein Kind, es ist so, dass ihr aus eurer menschlichen Sicht die Situation eurer Beziehungen zumeist nur nach dem beurteilt, was sichtbar ist an Taten und Worten; oder eben aus dem Mangel daraus.
Wir laden dich ein, den Blick zu senken unter die Oberfläche dessen, was sichtbar ist. Wie auf das weit verzweigte Wurzelwerk in eurem Wald. Wie auf das Wurzelwerk von Pflanzen mit weitgreifenden Ausläufern. Wie auf das Wurzelwerk von Pilzen im Waldboden.
Dort in den Tiefen eurer Herzen und Seelen seid ihr genau das: verbunden. In Liebe. Ewiglich. Mögen die Ausformungen und Auswüchse auf der Oberfläche sein wie sie sein mögen.
Das betrifft Trennungen von Eltern und Partnern und das betrifft Trennungen von den eigenen Kindern ebenso wie die Trennungen durch das Absterben und Vergehen des leiblichen Körpers in diesem Leben.
In tiefsten Tiefen bleibt die Verbindung der Seelen bestehen. Und diese ist IMMER eine liebende. Denn ihr kommt aus der Liebe und ihr kehrt in die Liebe zurück.
Auf der Oberfläche eures Lebens habt ihr zu entscheiden, in welcher Nähe und in welcher Qualität ihr die Beziehung lebt und gestaltet.
Auf der sichtbaren Ebene des Handelns, des Körpers und der Emotionen mag es zu Übergriffen und Verletzungen gekommen sein, die das Abrücken und getrennte Weiterleben nötig machen. Auch als eine Erfahrungsmöglichkeit der Seele auf ihrem Weg durch dieses Leben. Das gilt für Arbeitsbeziehungen ebenso wie für Freundschaften, Partnerschaften und eben auch für die Beziehung zwischen Eltern und Kindern.
Der Schmerz, den ihr einander zugefügt habt, mag unermesslich groß erscheinen. Und doch folgt er einem großen Ziel: Erfahrungen der Liebe und der Un-Liebe zu machen.
Denn nur in dieser Differenz werdet ihr euch der Liebe bewusst. Und erst durch diese Differenz beginnt ihr die größere Liebe zu suchen und zu empfangen, die euch doch immer zur Verfügung steht.
Wir lieben dich und dich und dich. Schon immer und auf ewiglich.
Und auf eben diese Weise seid auch ihr untereinader in Liebe verbunden. In der Tiefe und Höhe eurer ewigen Seelen.