A long way…home?

Travel-wise I don’t have much to report. I drove back and forth in a similar way my life is going. So, this will be a more philosophical post 😉

The weeks since my last post haven’t been easy. In fact, I fell into the same hole I was in 2018/9. And it’s not like I can tell you that I have crawled out of it already.

I was not able to let go of my former relationship and beat myself down that I have done too many (perceived or real) errors. Basically I felt deep regret. There was/is also shame that I have failed again. And fear that this was the last shot to happiness. I struggled to have another chance but should have known from the last experience that at some point the chances run out. But even so, I still kept on and made the life for the other person more difficult (and also for me). If you love a person you have to let her go to take a chance at happiness. It doesn’t matter if I think that should be with me.

I don’t know why in those moments I struggle so much (up to the point I lose the will to live) and only then I am able to make the compromises possible that I blocked before. I think it’s because deep inside me I feel alone and without roots. I mean, my family structure is difficult and without a job and a permanent home I miss the basic purposes/roots people have in life.

So, what is going on with the dream about the world trip? I hate it! Holding on to this one and my life in a caravan let me slip yet another love through my hands. A love that was beautiful, surely not always easy, but that made me feel special.

All my life I have done things also in order to impress people. To show them “See, I can do it”. This world trip is yet another thing. It is based on my belief that I am not enough and I have to proof to people (you!) that I am worthy. Apparently it also transmits to people that they are not enough for me 🙁 And there is the constant need to search for something better. Instead of enjoying the beauty I have and be grateful for it.

But then also I am a hesitater by nature. I don’t grab the possibilities that life throws at me with both hands. The obstacles we had were quite difficult and would have required more courage. I think and fear too much. Some things, especially in love, need to be tried out fully instead of thought through. Life has too many possibilities in order to consider them all. And if you are a negative person, which I am since several years, you might miss that it could get better than you thought.

So, how will my future look like? I have certainly zero idea (which hasn’t changed since 2018 unfortunately). I can only put one foot in front and hope that the next step will reveal itself. I am still building on this faith in life. But a world trip is not my priority anymore. I am tired of running (away). I want to have a home/root in life. Don’t get me wrong, traveling will always be important for me and the financial independence gives me possibilities there. But I need to find a balance between freedom and connection, individuality and community, time alone and being with a partner etc. I don’t know where the balance point lies. I will need a partner that understands that I am very imperfect and has the willingness to work out our differences. Obviously, I have to have the same mindset. But what I know is that I don’t want to go alone through life. I want to have romantic love at my side. And I hope that finally I have leaned my lesson.

Right now I don’t know where to settle down. The logical point would be Bavaria. But something inside me is not yet ready for that location. I don’t know if that has something to do with what happened 2018 or that I still think I have to do something “special”. Maybe it’s also the shame of coming back empty handed. Not having done this great trip and neither have found love. I just feel a resistance still that I express in the view that I don’t want to spend winters in Germany. But I guess there must be something beneath that.

In the end, I don’t even know what to do after tomorrow. As said before, I hope that the next steps reveal themselves in due time. If not, I will remain in the despair I am already. Right now I feel sad, lost, alone and without orientation.

Therefor, I cannot tell you where this travel leads me…

Thank you for following my travel through life!

Love,

Matthias