Through a dark mist

As I am writing this I am looking over the training area and I can hardly see the mountains through the mist.

Apparently, Pai is the most polluted area in Thailand right now and according to a fellow even in the world. Sometimes the outside reflects what goes on inside. I have the feeling of walking through the mist of my life right now. I can see where I came from but I hardly know where I am and I have no fucking idea where I am going to. It is painful going through it and it affects my (well-)being. Same as I can tell that the smog is affecting my breathing and lungs. I do hope the mist clears up soon and I can have a clarity again…or at least a trust that everything will turn out alright.

I am reflecting a lot on the relationship with Elena and what happened, what might have happened and what went wrong. Why is it so hard for me to let go? I am beating myself up as I have the feeling that this was a life challenge of my soul and I have not passed the test (in good moments I think we both haven’t). I didn’t trust love sufficiently (to overcome the huge obstacles) and let fear rule (although, sometimes I doubt and maybe my self-love was at work). Further on, I think Elena and I had so much potential as a couple, sharing so many good times together, and we fucked it up with our dreams about a(n imaginary) future (I see more guilt on my side of course…part of my personality). Fear drives me that this was the last chance in life for something so precious and I could have avoided the deep soul pain by deciding for a family with Elena. Would it have worked? No idea! And last but not least, I have nothing I can hold on to right now in my life. No job, no place, even not my dream of a world trip. I am lost and I just feel weak right now. Fear drives me that I won’t get out of this situation and regret that I let myself get into it. BUT, I also have the will of not giving up. I try to stay positive and have faith in life that it will provide me another possibility and also happiness.

I will write more about the training/retreat I am doing in another post. Let me finish this one with some sightseeing I did today. I took tremendous joy in renting out a scooter. It gives me flexibility to move around and be independent.
After some unhealthy breakfast (omelet with bacon) I went to the white Buddha. It’s really a tremendous big Buddha that can be seen from afar. Alas, when there is less smog.

I continued on to a location that is called land split (pretty much self-explanatory). Apparantly in 2008 an earthquake caused the earth to split up here.

From there I continued on to some villages that are linked with a bridge made out of bamboo.

I don’t think this is for them and rather for the tourists. Unfortunately, around this time I didn’t have the chance to see this typical scenery of rice fields drenched in water and people working in them. It is absolutely dry right now.

Other than that I took it very easy today with lots of stops at bars to get some of the fresh juices (mango is my favorite!).

Alright, I leave it with that and try to have a relaxed evening with less thinking and more enjoying. Do the same!

Love,
Matthias